A Disney Jesus would be a woke nightmare

How Would Today’s Disney Handle The Story of Jesus? 

By James Terminiello 


The current “creative” overlords at Disney have been having their way with the film studio’s catalogue of classics for some time now. Witness the “corrections” they have applied to The Little Mermaid and their plans for a butt-kicking Snow White who does not need to dream about some icky, male-gendery-type prince.  Far be it for Disney to dream up any original stories when they can just swirl some pre-sold old stuff into their imagination blender, season liberally to satiate current politically correct tastes, and vomit out something “new”. 


Since they continue to make billions with these ghastly, ersatz, re-hashes who can really blame them? There truly is no accounting for taste.


Now let’s conjecture. What if the woke-a-teers of the Magic Kingdom decided to re-imagine the story of Christ.   Well, first of all, it would be de rigueur to initiate some major character refinements for contemporary audiences. I mean, the word of God is not gospel after all.  Let’s get cracking. 


The Archangel Gabriel. This character must be profoundly gender neutral - which actually fits Biblical lore. To amp things up a bit, we’ll make the angel transgender, and call them a less male-ish Gabby.  Gabby informs Mary (re-named UmM’hair-Rhee) that she will be the “gestational breast feeder” of the Christ via their employer God.


Mary, now UmM’hair-Rhee.  An unwed African woman. That works! A tough cookie, she runs her own export business singlehanded.  UmM'hair-Rhee negotiates hard with Gabby on the Christ deal. What’s in it for her? Eternal veneration? Okay. But she also wants a percentage of the merchandizing. The deal is cut. UmM’hair-Rhee nets 60% and God 40%.  


Joseph. An gainfully employed, dutiful, heterosexual male and completely unnecessary to the plot. He’s out.


Three Wise Men (Three Brilliant Folk). One Arab male, one Asian female, and one omnigender being. Might throw in a friendly talking scorpion to market to the kiddies.


God. Choose between Morgan Freeman (he’s done it before), Whoopie Goldberg, or, preferably, Dylan Mulvaney. God defers to the incredibly wise UmM'hair-Rhee in all things, which is only right.


The Devil. Find a morbidly obese white male character actor, plop on an orange wig, and have him assert that God cheated when he became Lord of the Universe.  The Devil will suffer from rampant flatulence as is required by all contemporary films aimed at children.   


Peter.  He can’t be a fisherman what with the oceans being depleted and all, so he will become Peter the Vegan.  It will (it must) be inferred that Peter’s interest in Christ is more than spiritual.   


Judas (Now Jude-Ah).  She (why not?) will be the only true and trusted follower of Christ who is tricked into betraying the Savior by ...  


… The Supreme Sanhedrin.  Altering history just a speck, the Supreme Sanhedrin will be a body of twelve Caucasian men in dark blue robes who all look suspiciously like Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh save for the perpetual stream of drool oozing from their collective mouths.


Pontias Pilates. An exercise-obsessed Roman bureaucrat who goes along with anything the Supreme Sanhedrin suggests. There will be a cameo by Barbra Streisand as "Barbrabus".  


The casting of Jesus the Christ will be challenging and can only be properly addressed by having the character played by a string of different actors as the film progresses. These will include, but not be limited to, a baby girl, a teenage aborigine, a Tibetan monk, a gay biker, and a squirrel. In his final resurrected form, Christ will present as a muscular and glittering, CGI artificial intelligence (This will be done to sell the video game Rome vs. The Nazarene: Legions of the Godblaster) who will rise to the heavens and threaten to return in fire and thunder unless mankind resolves the global warming crisis and provides for a guaranteed universal income.  


With a plot line that is certain to offend just about everybody, Disney's Christ will clean up at the Oscars and start a new franchise. Up next: Christ II, The Revenge.  


Can any of you wait?  


James Terminiello, author of the soon to be published satire Junkyard, writes from Mount Laurel, New Jersey.  

 

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