The October 7 attack was inevitable

Guilty of Being a Parent

By James Terminiello

On Mother’s Day, my wife needed to visit local urgent care clinic. During her examination, she related to the attending physician the sad tale of our estrangement from our daughter. Before my wife could go into any detail, the physician told her that she too was estranged from her daughter. What’s more:  

She was accused of being a toxic narcissist. So were we. 

She was told of past offenses she was never aware of. So were we. 

She was convicted of things she never did. So were we. 

Events were misinterpreted. Same here. 

She felt like she was being lectured by a therapist, not talking to a daughter. We detected the same canned textbook lingo.

She was told she must apologize for all past offenses. Ditto.

She was blocked. Shut down. Cut off. As were we.

She was bewildered. We were struck numb.

Yes, you could put it down to coincidence. But...

Three days later, my wife consulted her primary care physician to follow up on the emergency visit. She related her estrangement tale and was halted as well. This physician, too, had experienced the same issues with her daughter.  The pattern was nearly identical.  A clone. A carbon copy. A tired pain-riddled rerun.  

Another coincidence? 

No. More evidence of a plague that is shredding the very fabric of our society. You need only to skim the web to find story after story of parents branded with the toxic marker, family histories getting rewritten, strange, variable boundaries being thrust in faces, and an estrangement finality being set down in fast-drying cement. The snarling toxicity that is YOU must be blocked at all costs. You’re guilty and that is that! End communication. 

I am not here to say that all estranged parents are without guilt. I chose an image of Shakespeare’s King Lear, a notoriously bad parent who waded deep into and paid dearly for his many mistakes.  Nevertheless, he did learn his lesson, and he did utter these fine words: 

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child" 

And there is the crux of the matter. Young people today, armed with pop psychology and abetted by “therapists” who want to be on their side (After all, who is paying the bills around here) seem to be leaping at any opportunity to blame their parents for anything and everything. Reason can take a back seat.  

Corrective measures taken by parents years ago are now re-imagined as abuse. Incidents already distorted by memory are further perverted by “therapists” who reframe them as mistreatment.  Questioning decisions is mistaken for criticism. Doubts are condemnations. Family ties, once held sacred, are now considered relics of a foolish, unenlightened, primordial past. Mistakes are deemed attacks. Omissions are defined as intentionally hurtful.  Expectations of family loyalty are spurned. The joys of grandparenthood are utterly denied. Draconian punishment is the order of the day. This by people who purport to laud diversity, equity, and inclusion. Perhaps that only applies to other people.

There is an old business maxim that states that whoever is not in the room gets the blame. Works well in the comfy confines of a therapist’s office.   

I speak now to those children who have declared one or both parents' toxic. On advice from your paid-for counselor, you may have cause. You may have feelings that you suppressed for decades that are just now emerging.   You may be angry over things that happened years ago. You may feel superior and of a more enlightened epoch. 

You may be perfect. 

If, on the other hand, you admit to not being perfect (And I hope you do) you may want to consider the possibility that your parents are also not perfect.  They may have blundered at times. They may not have read your signals. They may have made decisions that here in the golden, all-wise future are considered wrong. 

Yes. Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!  

I simply ask this: What can you expect from imperfect people?

Do you honestly think that your parents one mission in life was to make you miserable? Have you no compassion? Do you adhere to the philosophy that says you must toss the baby out with the bathwater? Do you know what you are throwing away? Do you have any idea what degree of pain you are inflicting on people forced to watch a 25-year love investment turn on them with flamethrowers?  

Are there rotten parents out there? Certainly. Are there thankless children out there? The evidence is mounting. Are there any gradations? Is there a pass/fail for parents? Is it just possible that your “therapist” is also not quite perfect? Why is the misread only on one side? 

I close with a quote from a pained old King Lear who paid the ultimate price: 

“I am a man more sinned against than sinning.” 

Angry child, you might consider this.

James Terminiello and his wife Tara suffer from child estrangement, and hope that fellow sufferers know they have comrades in pain.  James' eighth novel "A Gesture to the Wind" publishes this fall.