The Barbie Movie That They Should Have Made!

 


Barbie Movie Proves that the Wokesters Don't Have a Sense of Humor

By James Terminiello

I was curious about the Barbie movie phenomenon. I heard it was a hyperfeminist woke-fest but I thought it had potential as satire so I took a chance. At least it wasn't a pale sequel nor did it feature yet another steroid-infused superhero powered by some Maguffin magic crystal.  What the heck.

It started well. We visit a Pee Wee Hermanesque Barbie world where all is sparkles and ultra pink wonder.  Points scored for the tech people, the lines given to the impeccable Helen Mirren, and the excellent performance by Margo Robbie as Barbie. Then thoughts of death intrude and Barbie and Ken must set forth into our hideous real world to find out why.   

It is at this point that the film shifts from satire to diatribe.  While in our world, Barbie achieves a self-awareness through a series of bad experiences. Meanwhile, dimwitted Ken siphons only the negative aspects of men and becomes a stereotype of a stereotype of a male chauvanist pig. First sign of a bad movie. Create a cardboard bad guy and proceed to mock him. Does anybody who had a childhood realize that Ken was always a mere prop for Barbie? (She outsells him seven to one) Young girls just need him to be around as they practice what will eventually become dating. Just not right now thank you! We're having fun! In this film, evil Ken and the other evil Kens have way too much sway, take over Barbieland easily, and make it their male chauvanist pig sty. 

Of course the Barbies rally. We get to hear some feminist playbook clap trap about how tough it is to be a woman. (Men of course get all the breaks and don't even need talent or a work ethic to succeed) And the only male character who is on the side of the Barbies is obviously gay and he even gets to beat up some telephone lineman for no particular reason. Meanwhile, the evil Kens are reveling in their new evil Ken civilization and even assemble in their pastel shorts and floral tank tops to have a dance number that is so gay that Oscar Wilde rose from his grave for the 9 o'clock show. Apparently the screenwriters and director have a passing familarity with male heterosexuality. Akin to my understanding of techtonic plate activity on Mars.   

Anyway, actress Rhea Pearlman (In the role of Ruth Handler, the actual creator of Barbie) stops by to dispense some wisdom and when we last see Barbie she is about to visit her gynecologist (I wish I were joking.) 

So what started out as smart satire descended into by-the-book propaganda which was not particularly funny. The best line is a throw-away by narrator Helen Mirren. 

Now imagine if the writers instead had Barbie come to the real world to find that she was, in fact, patterned after a German, gag-gift, call girl doll named Lilli (1) That was the real inspration for Handler. And what fun they could have had with THAT story! 

But no. Propaganda first. Entertainment be damned!

(1) https://www.messynessychic.com/2016/01/29/meet-lilli-the-high-end-german-call-girl-who-became-americas-iconic-barbie-doll/


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