How would the Pygmalion conman make out today?

The Paradise of Alfred P. Doolittle 

By James Terminiello 

 

“If there's anything going ... I put in for a bit of it.”  


That is the simple yet elegant philosophy of the conniving Cockney Alfred P. Doolittle, the quintessential freeloading standard bearer of the “undeserving poor” in Bernard Shaw’s delightful classic Pygmalion.  What would the sly old Alfy make of the plethora of opportunities available today for a game lad such as he?  He would view it as nothing short of paradise.  An alluring candy box freshly opened and ready to ruffle through. 


Let’s enter Alfred’s scheming mind as we survey the fertile field today:  


Hey Alf. Nip yaself down ta the border and tell one of dem blokes that ya bein oppressed and ya fear for ya bleedin life cause what you need is what they call A-Sylum. That’s the ticket! They are ready to oblige, and you can help yaself ta the buffet.    


There does not appear to be much more in the way of vetting going on at our southern border, so Mr. Doolittle would be right at home and ready to take a deep dive into the open arms of Joe Biden and his “humanitarians.”  


Another thought, Alfie me boy. Ya never finished school and ya never paid ya bill. What say ya tap some of the toffs in DC for a bit of a tuition payoff? 


This would come naturally to Mr. Doolittle. After all, school was a bad investment and why should he have to pay for his own mistake. The logic is inescapable. Expect the check on Thursday as we need time to print more money.  


Then again, dear old Alf, you’re a member of the Cockney underclass you and your kin have been oppressed for centuries.  Make em pay, Alfie! Put it for reparations! 


Here, Doolittle would stand tall in demanding reparations for all. Alas, there is hardly a group on this planet who could not put in for reparations for past offences. They would include: 


  • Christians: The Roman Persecution. 
Gypsies: Abhorred and shunned by all of Europe for generations 
Iraqi and Afghan families who lost roughly 250,000+ members in our two highly suspect wars (1) (Bet you forgot)  
Witches: Burned almost everywhere 
Uyghurs: The current scapegoats of China 
White (yes white) American and European descendants of those enslaved by the Barbary States (Over 1 million. Bet you didn’t know that) (2) 
The Irish: They need not apply for any work 
Women: Oppressed by men forever 
Catalans: Hated by the Spanish 
Jews: Trapped in the revolving door of global anti-Semitism 
Palestinians: The ping pong people that nobody wants in the Arab world  
Ukrainians: The catalogue of Russia atrocities is still being compiled  
Filipino women: Forced into prostitution by the occupying Japanese during WW II 


And, oh yes, India, Nigeria, Iran, Indonesia, the “Democratic” Republic of Congo, Russia, Philippines, and Afghanistan where it is estimated that millions today (yes, today!) are in some form of involuntary servitude including slavery. (3) This is hardly a comprehensive list. Sadly for poor Alfie, there isn’t enough money on the planet to pay for all the wrongs of the past and present. And to be selective about reparations is, in effect, discrimination.  


Ah! Here’s a winner for you Alfie me lad. Sexual peccadillos are rather pop these days! Doesn’t seem to take much to find yaself a rich target and claim that he grabbed you in a tender patch at the game some 40 years or so ago. 


Here Alfred Doolittle may have his best shot as the bar of proof has been lowered to such an extent that a lame caterpillar can amble over it and not break a sweat.  I can prove conclusively that I attended high school in the same years and in the same city as a sitting U.S. senator. By current standards, that appears to be enough proof for me to claim that he made indecent advances towards me during the annual Thanksgiving Day game. Indeed, it has haunted me these last 48 years and only re-emerged when I dug up my old yearbook (Pause to sniffle)  

 

Yes, Alfie me lad, the times are ripe. I think we should all put in for a bit of it.  

 

(1) https://www.military.com/daily-news/2022/08/29/wars-iraq-and-afghanistan-have-killed-least-500000-people-according-report.html 

(2) https://www.ancient-origins.net/ancient-places-africa/white-slaves-barbary-002171 

(3) https://worldpopulationreview.com/country-rankings/countries-that-still-have-slavery 


Author James Terminiello, whose latest book “Junkyard” will be published in the Fall, writes from Mount Laurel, New Jersey 

 

 

 

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